Match Report

Match Report - 16 May 2015, Leeds Modernians Football Club JUNIORS beat MODS EXILES

It's always great to welcome back former heroes to the club. It takes the shine off slightly when the majority of them would currently walk into our first team. Mick Birch rounded up the club's regular trainers to represent the current crop. A philosophy Mikey Hall took very literally and thought he had to play in trainers, God help us.

The current team lined up:


L. Dan Jamo B.Clapham Mellor

Hall Gillett
J. Clapham Claxton H. Sach

Gillett captained the team for the day. A nice treat for him.

With a lackadaisical warm up, late ref and a genuine slack attitude Jamieson took it upon himself to give the game a league feel by being sick next to the pitch.

Early exchanges were slow and pointless. The language barrier between the smog 'keeper and whatever dolphin dialect Little Dan speaks led to the first drama. An aimless ball into the box was expertly shinned by LD sky high before eventually dropping over ML33s bar.

After missing last week's game in exchange for a day hugging the toilet, Mikey Hall was taught a valuable lesson by former hard man Zach Brown. With the ball nowhere in sight, Brown charged out of defence and steamrollered the trainer loving Geordie into the dusty Cookridge meadow. Don't miss a game again Hall.

Anyone who has watched the first team this season knows the dangers involved in an attacking corner. After over committing/not bothering to track back, a swift counter attack saw the ball break for Toddy who used the power in his considerable booty to fire past ML33. 1-0.

With Toddy showing just how good a left back can be, Lord Mellor saw the eyes of critique on him once more. Mellor responded in the only way he knows how. A dangerous situation in the box was well read by his Lordship who went to clear the danger. He cleared it off his rear studs and shaved his own post, admitting 'if that went there, it was going in'. Praise the Lord.

Another defender looking nervously at the opposite numbers was Ben Clapham. His attempt at impressing involved miscontrolling the ball before scything down Si Lewis in what would have been a clear red card if the referee was not a man who was dressed as a wizard a week previously.

Brother Joe was spending his time smashing balls into the car park at every chance after a heavy night in McDonald's.

An equaliser didn't look likely as LD and then Hrll, for once not the oldest but still the slowest man on the pitch, toe ended two left footers harmlessley at TD1.

Fortunately there was salvation before half time. Hall squeezed the ball across the box to Gillett who showed his usual composure in front of goal to slot the ball into the corner and take his tally for the season into double figures/4.

Half time 1-1.

Mick rang the changes and brought on Josh Smith, still carrying some baby weight for Hall. BT19 for J. Clapham. Matty Campbell for Hugo and the funky Gibbon for ML33, who worryingly put on an outfield kit.

As usual on a Saturday, we looked to BT19 to shoot us wildly out of the danger of embarrassment. It wasn't long before he nearly did. BT19 received a pass with his back to goal, flicked it up and sent a looping volley into the top corner, only for their keeper to miraculously claw it away from a corner. As BT19 turned around, it appeared he had grown a considerable belly, a beard and a perfectly round head. If I didn't know better I'd say it was Matty Campbell what dun it.

Campbell got himself on the scoresheet minutes later as BT19s shot was too hot to handle and Campbell got his customary 3 yard poachers goal.


The lead was made much more comfortable in an unlikely combination of OxBridge meets Rotherham. Claxton, fresh from losing a snooker bet at 4am bombarded down the right and slipped in HuGoals, taking a break from discussing politics with Si Oliver for the first time, did what he does and tucked it in at the near post.

The details of the fourth goal can be accessed by looking at any other match report this season. BT19 absolutely minced a 20 yard drive into the top corner. Sun rise. Sun set.


The game had now lost all credibility. So on came ML33 disguised as ML11. Controlling a long ball on his chest/atop his bump and playing a few deliciously cultured balls into the box whilst all the time struggling to breathe, we could well have been watching Fatty McFatt.

Mick somehow insulted the sport further by bringing on Tory Mullin at left back, who had arrived his customary 75 minutes late. Tony managed to get himself out of position before he'd even taken up his position and allowed Danny Clemence to pull back a goal to end the game 4-2.

A very enjoyable game and great to see so many great players. A shame none of them play for us anymore. Please come back. And bring money.

Sent from my iPhone

Leeds Modernians Football Club JUNIORS 4 - 2 MODS EXILES ()

Name Goals Details
1 Matty Lewis  
2 Ben Clapham  
3 Damien Mellor  
4 Daniel Jamieson  
5 Dan McCandlish  
6 Mikey Hall  
7 Phil Gillett   1 Goal 30 mins
8 Paul Hurrell  
9 Hugo Sach   1 Goal 65 mins
10 Danny Claxton  
11 Joe Clapham  
12 Matt Gibbons  
13 Matty Campbell   1 Goal 55 mins
14 Josh Smith  
15 Ben Turner   1 Goal 80 mins
16 Tony Mullin  
17 Mick Birch  
18 Robert Turner  
19 A.N. Other  
20 A.N. Other