Match Report

Match Report - 24 Oct 2015, Leeds Modernians Football Club 2nds beat Ilkley Town Res


An undefeated Ilkley turned up at the club and promptly put on the longest and most intimidating pre match warm up routine since the All Blacks tried the Haka against a Glasgow recovering alcoholics XV. It didn't work then and it didn't work now.
On paper, Mods fielded a strong side with a recognised back four, a mixture of youth and experience in midfield and real quality up front in the form of Danny Forest-Fire and young urban warrior Waz (heart of a Lion, hairstyle of a Howler Monkey) Khan.
The only anomaly to this strong line up was in response to the general Great Mods Keeper Famine of '15 that has seen the club decimated of custodians due to a mixture of reasons such as attending corporate events, fat, useless, fat and useless and fat, useless and attending corporate events.
Standing guard on this occasion was Mods Stew Chef Lee Glegand who, in a moment of Tetley's induced weakness the previous evening put his hat in the ring and his pelvis on the line to yet again emerge as the official Saviour of the Club.
Having donned the kit and at least, from behind, looked the part, Glegand's main early preoccupation was to avoid the killing call from the opposition side-line 'he's not a real keeper - fire it in from anywhere'.
Glegand's warm up routine was an exhaustive attempt to become familiar with angles and positioning and try to rearrange his goal scoring DNA into goal stopping for an afternoon. A tall order and a tall keeper. Could his luck hold?
Thirty seconds after kick off Mr Luck left town on a speeding horse as JP Craig attempted a back pass that everyone associated with the Mods knew was a very, very bad idea. As testament to the silliness of this action, JP later claimed that as he was swinging his leg back to execute the back pass he suddenly remembered the situation and tried to pull out of the manoeuvre but it was too late and his hesitancy resulted in an inch perfect ball through to Ilkley's half decent striker who couldn't believe his luck and composed himself in front of what seemed like a crazed pensioner in a goal keeper's kit who had invaded the pitch from behind the goals and was bearing down on him amidst a cacophony of creaks, ligament snapping noises and cartilage free joint rubbing. The Ilkley forward managed to keep his laugh in sufficiently long enough to lift the ball over the despairing lunge of the giant ghost and slotted it home. 1-0 them. Bugger.
The match was rejoined with Mods hoping to shake off this latest and crappest piece of what has now become known as 'Mods Luck'. Four minutes later the Ilkley lead was doubled as a swirling cross from the left eluded the desperate clutching of temporary keeper Glegand. His superhuman efforts to keep the ball out only resulted in him getting the merest touches which actually guided the ball to the head of the Ilkley forward from where the ball ricocheted across the line and was dispatched without ceremony by a supporting attacker. 10 minutes, 2-0 them. Double Bugger.
The next few minutes were conducted in a kind of trance as everyone tried to avoid the laser beam stare of gaffer Birch who had just witnessed eleven people do the exact opposite of what he had 'suggested' we do in the pre match preparations.
With the game developing into what Mr Wolf would call 'a situation', Mods had to find some character and show some cojones.
Male parts were duly shown in trumps for the rest of the game as Mods settled into a real shape, became more competitive in the tackle and generally woke up. Our defence saw the value of actually working together and Mad Dog in particular hugely benefitted from occasionally not staring at the turf for minutes on end. His new found vision saw him get to his opponent early and ask the question that the Ilkley forwards were not good enough to answer. Ploughing an elegant furrow down the left came Mods emerging star Xav who not only linked well with those in front of him but provided some much needed width and penetration on the overlap.
As mentioned, the striking duo on display for our heroes would be probably by some way the best in the division and their pedigree showed as they exploited their class to at first reduce the deficit, then draw level and then take the lead. Real class from Forest-Fire and unending industry by Waz-not-Waz showed them on a different plane to the players charged with stopping them. Half time Mods 2, Ilkley 2. State of Bugger reversed.

The Mods approached the half time team talk with some sense of trepidation as all could see Birchy quietly putting a range of blunt instruments, that were clearly intended for savage use if we hadn't turned the game around, into a big sack that menacingly remained open.

Suitably relieved, Mods took the field and seemed to actually enjoy themselves - playing an expressive game marshalled enthusiastically by Messieurs France and Craig in the centre of the park with Forest-Fire and 'Dying for a' Waz running increasingly amok up front. The pressure told and Mods increased their lead to three with two more goals for our dynamic duo. The next objective was not to concede any more goals and we nearly did that but were undone by a wretched piece of luck that saw a blocked shot wrong foot the already permanently wrong footed keeper with the ball falling yet again to an unmarked opposition lurker who bashed it in despite the despairing lunge of a prone Glegand whose parry was only enough to deflect the ball higher into the net.

The game didn't really get away from the Mods at any point and the second revival of the game was never really on as continued excellent concentration and application from the Mods back four snuffed out all enquiries. Ilkley were unlucky to lose a man in a collision in the Mods area as their enriching forward collided with Gleaned and Craig in what has to be surely the most Ginger of sandwiches. After checking limbs and colostomy bag were intact, Glegand got up to claim his part in the heroic last ditch attempt to avoid conceding a goal whilst JP Craig became increasingly angry at the clearly suffering young Ilkley foal who had had better days at the office.
Peeeeep. Full time - Mods deserved victors 5-3. A great turn around and great spirit from the lads all across the team. A combination of a quiet determination and a refusal to accept the situation served us well and we returned to the clubhouse with the cheers of the Mods faithful ringing in our ears.


Leeds Modernians Football Club 2nds 5 - 3 Ilkley Town Res ()

Name Goals Details
1 Clive Smythe  
2 William Brown  
3 Xav Baines  
4 Jon-Paul Craig  
5 David Cowie  
6 Steve Wilkinson  
7 Josh Standley  
8 James France  
9 Wasim Khan   2
10 Alex Schofield  
11 Joel Beaumont  
12 Dan McCandlish  
13 Danny Forrest   3
14 Andrew Aston  
15 A.N. Other  
16 Chris Roy  
17 Mick Birch  
18 Alex Pouncett  
19 A.N. Other  
20  
21  
22  
23  
24  
25