Match Report

Match Report - 12 May 2018, Leeds Modernians Football Club 1sts beat Oxenhope Recreation

May 2017, The Mods would tell anyone who would listen that they were unlucky to miss out on promotion and were pipped at the post, despite finishing comfortably in mid table.
May 2018, Adam Platten is in the southern hemisphere. The Mods required a win at home to Oxenhope to confirm survival and their West Yorkshire Division 1 status.
Whether it be the occasion itself, the fact it was sunny, nobody having anything better to do, the end of season do following the game or the fact we had finally got rid of Paul Green, there was a bumper crowd at Cookridge Lane. Mods old and new came down to cheer on their beloved first team, including cartoon character Michael O’Hall, who had put down his joystick for Spyro The Dragon for 90 minutes to sweat some local football instead.

The biggest game of the season was to be addressed by the line up of:

Matthew LobbedOnHisLine Lewis

Auld Plump Jim Kent
The Griggs who doesn’t work for MI5
The Rotherham Rock
Dan ‘Deaks’ Deakin

Henry King and/or Mikey Hall
P(F)il(l)ip Gil(l)et(t)t(e)
Alep Poundsett
The Cleethorps Artki

The better looking, better company, more effective footballer, more likely to buy you a drink Claxton

Alex Worrall’s mate
Sir Jack Haribo
David P. fucking Cowie
Charlie Jamieson

After a rousing team talk where Poundsett assured everyone they never had to see each other again after the following 90 minutes, the game began in a typically positive Mod’s fashion. Clive Smythe, clearly angered by Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino’s divisive piano sound and sporting a commemorative AM-era Alex Turner greased back mullet, began loudly counting out how many successive challenges Mods lost in parallel to a stat he had made up about Mick Birch making up a stat about Mods losing 39/40 consecutive challenges on Wednesday.
Despite this loud, Yorkshire air of negativity, Mods started the game very well. Before Michael O’Hall could even muster his first spew of the day, they were one nil up. Some sort of punt up field was killed dead by BT19, who spotted the portly goal tender waddling in his general direction. Concerned said tender was about to become the 80th person of the day to meekly enquire about his knee injury, BT19 regressed to BT19 of 2016 and rather discourteously scooped the ball over the keeper with the outside of his foot from a standing start into the net, rather than passing it into the gaping corner as 99% of players would do and 100% of his team mates would miss. It could have been 2 soon after as the Rotherham Hound was denied a stonewall penalty which P(F)il(l)ip Gil(l)et(t)t(e) would no doubt have converted as designated penalty taker.

Mods looked fully in control and their only scares came when Matthew LobbedOnHisLine Lewis was too scared of being LobbedOnHisLine to come out for balls bouncing 18cm away from him on a hard surface, allowing their forwards to bring the ball under control in his 6 yard box as he discussed the management structure of Michael Page with his net. Oxenhope missed a gaping open goal as Sam Griggs was caught out by a bouncing ball as he considered how healthy the friendship actually was between David Brent and Chris Finch rather than looking at the football.

Mods got in at 1-0.

It is at times like this that managers must earn their crust, judge the individuals before them and speak to them on their level. Luckily, Alep Poundsett read his troops perfectly. Declaring, “If you put the effort in for the next 45 minutes…. You can get in the bath with a toaster after for all I care”. 2013 Alex Turner confirmed he would provide said toasting device, whilst thrusting his hips suggestively at Mr. J. Haribo.

The second half began with Mods again on top until an unlucky injury to stalwart Deaks Deaking, who fell into the meadow at the top touchline, caused in no small part to the great Cookridge Lane drain flood of April. Alep Poundsett moved to left back, Henry King and/all Mikey Hall moved into centre mid and Alex Worrall’s mate came on right mid. This unsettled the Mods somewhat as Henry King and/or Mikey Hall struggled with the concept of having to move around rather than staring at AJK’s plump ass and wondering how he has achieved so much in life without being able to use the word “no”.
Mods were very poor in possession for a spell and nearly conceded when the Rotherham Rock minced his way into losing possession due to the high levels of pollen in the air and a lack of sleep due to the wasps nest near his bedroom.

It was soon 1-1, when Alep Poundsett watched a long ball fly over his head momentarily distracted by the notion that his baby child had picked up that 2p he dropped at home in January. Matthew LobbedOnHisLine Lewis was LobbedOnHisLine, allowing an oink to tap in on the goal line.

From what we know about this outfit, it is that we would instantly concede again. Not today.
Kick off was pumped towards The Cleethorpes Artki, who thrust his hefty lesbian bonce onto the ball into the path of The better looking, better company, more effective footballer, more likely to buy you a drink Claxton. Unlike his idiotic, cretinous brother, The Rotherham Hound slotted carefully through the keeper’s legs, briefly remembering you have to kick the football at times rather than chasing defenders in their nightmares. 2-1 Mods.

Mods remained on top and sealed their victory with a trademark BT19 goal… assuming you haven’t watched him this season. The ball broke to the edge of the box, going away from goal, on his weak foot, BT19 swept a screamer into the far top bin across the now infertile goalkeeper. As eyes panned to the side, Rob Turner celebrated safety with a rare glug of fruit juice. There was even enough time for designated penalty taker and 100% record holder P(F)il(l)ip Gil(l)et(t)t(e) to allow BT19 to attempt to complete his hat-trick, only to hit the former ‘keeper’s gravestone.

Final score: Mods 3-1 Oxenhope
Mods are staying up*
*Would have done regardless due to other results
MOTM – The Rotherham Rock

All that was left was for the lads to celebrate their season at the end of season do/laugh at Mikey Hall.
Players of the year deserve a mention:
4ths – Sam Pidgeon
3rds – Juan Rodrigo Cambon
Reserves – A Cartoon Character aka Mikey Hall
1sts – Danny Claxton

Finally, I would like to place on record a thanks to all those leaving their roles this season:
Gary Lovelace, after an astonishing 32 and counting years of service
Brett Hemmingway, for managing 8 games this year
Paul Green, for staying beyond his welcome

And for Alex Pouncett and Clive Smythe for their commitment to first team management through the heady Adam Platten year and through whatever this season was.

We hope to see you all next season, the good times are around the corner.


Leeds Modernians Football Club 1sts 3 - 1 Oxenhope Recreation ()

Name Goals Details
1 Matty Lewis  
2 Dan Deakin  
3 David Cowie  
4 Daniel Jamieson  
5 Danny Claxton  
6 Phil Gillett  
7 Callum Robinson  
8 James Kent  
9 Xav Baines  
10 James Claxton   1
11 Sam Griggs  
12 Henry King  
13 Alex Higgins  
14 Jack Downing  
15 Alex Pouncett  
16 Ben Turner   2
17 Clive Smythe  
18 Matt Allsop